It became obvious to Lucas that he was backed into a conversational corner yet again. He had been on the phone with his older brother for nearly an hour. “You have to consider that your actions affect other people and that you should not be so reckless,” Dan admonished him. Lucas became apoplectic, and he began biting his lower lip as was his habit. He was glad that his brother could not see him at least. “So, what do you plan on doing differently so you don’t have to ask mom for money?” There was a tense pause that followed Dan's question. Lucas’ discomfort was mutating into animosity. Nobody likes an intrusive interrogation.
“I will have to be more careful about my spending.” Lucas managed to sputter through his teeth, while he swore he could hear his older swell with conviction. “Yeah. You do.” Dan’s voice carried the pretentiousness that only comes from making these arguments ad nauseum. Lucas’ hand was balled into a fist. The conversation started to steer toward the more mundane and pleasant things that were more to Lucas’ liking. It seemed like his weekly phone call was going to end without another incident. The phone call was just concluding before Dan made his typical biting remark.
“There is nothing worse than a person who has no respect for those of us who actually work hard.” There it was; that snarky plausible deniability that made Dan a world class asshole. “I work hard! Fuck you and what you think you know about me!” Lucas yelled with such ferocity that it caused the nearby lamp to rattle on its end table. Dan calmly responded, “you shouldn’t be worried if it doesn’t apply to you.” The blood rushing upward to Lucas’ face was disorienting. “’Apply’ this!” Lucas shrieked before hanging up on his older brother.
How many times has this happened? It almost seemed like there never was a conversation that didn’t end up with Lucas flying off the handlebars. What followed next was also just as typical; a surge of regret. Lucas would pick up extra household supplies and a take-out meal from his brother once a month. They went a long way to make Lucas’ budget a bit more feasible. The thought of the extra money he would have to spend on basic amenities bombarded Lucas. His brother’s words were ringing in his head and all that he felt was sorrow. He felt like a burden on everyone.
Lucas slowly changed from his janitorial outfit to his comfy clothes while letting out sharp exhales with frightening frequency. Lucas desperately wanted to not care what his brother thought. He wanted the feeling of shame to go away. He felt tormented by his financial situation which provoked that angry outburst. There was a mountain of debt, costly repairs on his vehicle, the ever-increasing rent, and a degenerate addiction to rare superhero models. His mother and brother chastised him for spending any money whatsoever on those models. While he would leave his models prominently displayed when friends visited, they would all get hidden in the closet when Dan or his mother stopped by.
Lucas sighed and pulled himself from the cascade of negative thoughts that assailed him. He opened his laptop and began surfing the web. He browsed a few news articles. It seems that the president is having his decisions declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court – Or something. The article lost all interest to him as a pop-up for an upcoming comic book event looming on the horizon. His clicking eventually ended in him finding his way to a familiar website dedicated to models. There was a product coming out of a particularly flashy and limited time model that he desperately wanted. His thoughts of the day’s misery were washed away by the giddy excitement of making a big purchase. This one would be a costly one.
While entering his credit card information for the recondite figure, the voice of his brother entered his mind with sudden ferocity. “You don’t need this. You need to get a new microwave instead.” Lucas tried his best to ignore the pontifications of his brother raging inside of his mind, but his efforts were futile. Lucas sighed and closed the browser window before he could enter his information on the site. Either he fell into his usual trap, or he let Dan’s influence get to him – either way, Dan made a fool out of him.
It was then lament of his surge of anger that began to beat on Lucas with such bombastic intensity it unnerved him. Lucas knew the only way to ameliorate this sensation was to make the inevitable phone call back to his brother. The feeling that accompanied the apology was real, but it might not seem so to Dan; who had heard this line countless times. Lucas’ consternation of how to avoid feeling this way always ended with the apology phone call in the end. He sighed again and picked his phone back up. His head hung low as he pressed the dial button and placed the receiver to his ear.
“Hey bro.” Dan answered in a measured yet monotone voice. “Hey...” Lucas trailed off immediately revealing his impotence. “What’s up?” Dan asked, knowing full well where this conversation was going. “I just wanted to say that I am sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.” Lucas said in a remorseful voice. Dan took a moment and let out an exaggerated inhale. “It is okay. I understand that you are frustrated. You can’t help yourself sometimes. I said what I said to try to help you out. I am your brother and I really do care about you.”
Lucas perked up feeling the acceptance of the apology wash over him. Still, something gave him a poke in the back of his mind. Like his brother set a watch to how long it took for that phone call to come. It was around 30 minutes. “I wish there was a way that we could just skip that part of our calls and just end things peacefully.” Dan started a smile which Lucas could hear his brother’s lips cracking over the phone. “Next time be more careful about your spending and don’t get so upset with mom when things go wrong. It will get better, I promise you.” Lucas nodded his head, trying hard to believe that things were not going to repeat themselves yet again. Self-deception.
The conversation ended with a bit more small talk yet remained somewhat laconic compared to their earlier conversation. Lucas placed the phone down after the call feeling a strong feeling of resignation as he began to make himself some instant noodles. He could smell the wafting aroma of the neighbors cooking across the hall, and it reminded him of some kind of awful meat being boiled. Dan had his own house in the suburbs that was free of such peccadillos. The feeling of anathema that accompanied Lucas when he compared his house to his brothers filled him with such bitter contempt that he swore it was giving him cancer. How he hated his brother’s significantly higher paying job.
Ironically, Lucas had a higher level of education at a comparable school than his brother. However, due to a shortage of job availability in his field, Lucas had resorted to manual labor to make ends meet. The air of superiority that his brother held over him was absurd, and Dan certainly considered himself smarter due to his higher quality of life. These thoughts kept filling Lucas with a bitter resentment that almost caused him to choke. His anger toward what he knew his brother thought of him was causing him to tremble while the steam of the noodles cooking caught his attention. Lucas’ anger led to an outburst that surprised himself.
The troubled man, quickly became galvanized into violent action and lifted the pot of boiling water. Without any hesitation, he hurled the pot of boiling water at the wall across the room. Water tumbled out of the pot while it smashed into a framed picture of a distant beach on the wall. The boiling liquid that escaped the pot had somehow backfired and drenched Lucas while the pot spun wildly during the throw. The picture’s glass and frame were smashed as the picture fell to the ground. During the whole rancorous display of impulsive energy, water flung backwards at Lucas. The sheer force of adrenaline had prevented him from immediately noticing that he was covered in boiling water. The stinging red burns quickly caught up with him as he surveyed the damage.
Lucas was cursing himself while in considerable pain as he gathered the supplies to clean up the mess. The worst of the pain was on the left side of his face and his right forearm. Luckily, the bulk of the water splashed off his loosely hanging band tee shirt he had bought during a concert. Lucas shamefully gathered the glass in his dustpan and put the photograph of his mother’s vacation to Costa Rica on the bookshelf. She never invited him to go, but his brother mentioned a month later that he decided against an invitation. Apparently, he mentioned that detail a month after she got back from the trip and gave him that stupid photo. Rather than keep the photograph after a moment, he simply threw it in the garbage with the shattered glass.
Lucas went to bed that night without eating anything while growing slowly uncomfortable with the resultant outcome of his incendiary temper. He lay in bed awake thinking about the sheer number of times his mother and brother had pushed him into action like this in the past. Lucas lost count around 15 times before gradually slipping into sleep. It actually turned out to be a more effective sleep aid than counting sheep. There was a feeling that resembled a combination of hollowness and utter despair that enveloped him as he drifted into a slumber.
The dream he had started him as quickly as it came on. He saw a castle made of the most immaculate ice standing atop a mountain made of some kind of black onyx-like rock from the sky. The castle stood miles above the surrounding countryside. Even though the castle was transparent, there was nothing visible within the castle. The castle came into view from a rotating angle that slowly pulled inward to show the details to Lucas. There were three magnificent turrets with two large turrets on each opposite side of the castle and a larger central turret in the center of the castle. As the view became closer, the parapet could be seen with a drawbridge leading to a large opening leading downward into the onyx mountain.
Lucas could feel the frosty chill emanating from the castle. This castle was not merely remaining cold but was manufacturing the source of coldness that radiated from the castles’ exterior. Lucas got an almost supernatural presence from the nature of the coldness he felt. The physical sensation was disturbingly real as Lucas attempted to draw into his clothing but realized that he existed as an intangible or non-physical entity. The source of the cold increased the closer Lucas got to the castle. He got closer not by walking or traveling by foot but by floating in from the air above the castle. The journey began within the clouds but was only a few dozen feet from the castle before he could see through one of the large windows in the central keep.
When he entered the castle, the coldness that he was sensing faded immediately and he was surrounded by the warmth of an inviting home. He saw magnificent central chambers with all manner of antiquity and relic prominently displayed throughout the walls and displays standing up throughout the chamber. There were many Roman style columns that were both decorative and load bearing. There were two magnificent staircases that winded upward in matching spiral design. The stairs had a banister that held ornate golden posts a foot thick in diameter. Lucas got closer as he floated in some ethereal form toward the chamber through the window. He could see a myriad of colorful art of strange and abstruse places from around not only this world but splendid alien landscapes. He also viewed elegant sculptures of objects that lacked any kind of description that Lucas could find surrounding him as he floated upward past the staircases up the central turret.
He saw numerous sights and rooms that branched off the spiraling staircases leading upward. The seemingly endless pictures and paintings of strange locations continued upward on the wall. Whoever decorated the ice castle had a strong predilection for travel or viewing the cosmos in all its vastness. Lucas reached the top of the tower, and it led him to a cozy antechamber before emptying him into a large master bedroom at the top of the central turret. The bedroom was adorned with the most astounding furniture he had ever witnessed. Golden nightstands and a mammoth desk matched in decorum, and they were engraved with the most elegant designs of spiraling lines and concentric circles. The large and presumably comfortable bed was inviting with comfortable blankets which called him. Lucas saw his own sleeping body in the bed, with the most serene smile placed his mouth.
The sigh of his own contentment startled Lucas as he woke up with a start. He was conscious that he was no longer dreaming but the feeling of waking up with a sense of loss or departing left him with a deep hunger or emptiness. Lucas wasn’t sure what caused him to begin weeping, but the tears flowed down his cheeks for several long, quiet moments. His crying was silent however, as no sobs or sniffles emanated from the troubled man. Lucas’ tears and sorrow began slowly replacing itself with resolve and hunger to change things. It wasn’t a strong feeling or impulse, but a steady decision to make things different from his family. The cycle of provocation and retaliation would finally come to a close. Lucas still was uncertain how a dream of an ice castle led him to this, but he felt it best not to argue.
Lucas spent the days after that dream ignoring all calls from his mother and brother without hesitation. He did not desire torment or scare them, but because he felt that there was nothing remaining to salvage. He grew disconnected from the obligatory feeling that resulted in this cycle of emotional abuse. For his and their betterment. As his brother was significantly older and his mother was still attached, they grew worried about the growing distance between them and Lucas. Lucas became more and committed to his decision as time went by, and days turned into weeks. It was a liberating sensation to disconnect himself from the torment that he was feeling by forcing himself into these dialogues that had no good outcomes. There were no snarky comments, bitter criticisms, sneaky jabs, or outbursts, just steady commitment to his life.
While Lucas continued to collect models, which was his passion, his conduct at work changed as well. He became more sociable and adept at pushing away negative remarks at work. He simply put all of the bad workers out of his mind and made stronger connections with positive connections. One such person was Barry, who was a nearly retired worker for the company Lucas worked for. Barry was a source of inspiration as well as networking connections. Lucas learned of people looking for people with his educated skill set, and it seemed that his time remanded to manual labor might come to its close. It wasn’t that he was destined to where he worked, but that he struggled to keep things normal by a dysfunctional standard of operation. Weeks eventually turned months without word from his mother and brother. They gave up trying to rope Lucas into their pattern of control and finally decided to wish him the best on his journey outward.
It was never that Lucas did not love or care for his family, but that there is a time when moving on from something that does not work properly is the only way to get the results that one desires. It is not uncommon for this to happen with how the world functions today, but it still depresses Lucas from time to time. Still, once and a while Lucas would dream of the ice castle. The dream was identical and repeated itself in every minute detail. The dreams never failed to fill Lucas with a sense of wonder and reminded him of the more mystical portion of the human psyche. It was clear that he had to do things without even being aware of why they were done that way.
Almost 3 years later, Lucas was traveling down the sidewalk from his job as a lead researcher on an important project. He was walking back from his favorite coffee shop on his break and ran into a familiar face. He saw his brother traveling down that same sidewalk, and the two passed one another wordlessly. They did exchange the slightest nod of heads and mutual smiles. There was no malice or regret, but the combined realization that they needed to find their own paths to peace. Perhaps their mother was forcing them to spend time together to try to make what appeared to be a functioning family unit. It did not matter. What did matter was the fact that they were well and that they were better people for having gone through everything that comes with a long period of silence. Maybe they could have reconnected, but maybe that would have led to more angry phone calls and pots of boiling water being thrown across the kitchen.
